Today (and the larger weekend) has been gut-twistingly awful. I can’t even put my finger on it. Nothing’s happened to cause it but I feel like I’ve had a “relapse.”
I’ve just spent the whole weekend feeling shredded and spent. I’ve watched TV, ploughed my way through marking essays and just felt disconnected from the world. I can sum it up easily: I miss her.
Normally a sentiment you see from divorcees and separated couples. Despite it being 5 dates and now, the time elapsed almost matching the length of our courtship, I miss her. Still! I’ve just spiralled this weekend. In brazen fury. At life, at God even. But never at her.
I’m caught in the same conundrum – I have no idea whether the rejection was a genuine one. That question mark raises the real prospect that there was mutual feeling but she denied it for some misguided reason. In other words, she could have pushed me away for my own sake (in her eyes). I need to know. If it is this, I must act or speak. If it’s a pure rejection, I won’t understand but I’ll accept.
I’ve been having troubles with prayers of late too. My intentions changed from pitiful cries to “let your will be done” prayers as a way of seeking solace and leaving it in God’s hands. I thought this was working well… Until this weekend. When I feel like this, I have no means of knowing if it’s my own stupid wonderings, or if I should be attributing a higher power to it. Given the above conundrum, and my constant request for signs, making me feel renewed remorse and longing could be such a sign.
My head hurts. I struggle to bear this weight. A recent epiphany of mine brought me little joy – the only way I can see this horrific period having true, graced meaning in my life is if the rift were to be healed. Otherwise, it will live on as an eternal thorn in my personal vision of my Catholic faith.
I can’t stand this duality. Does she spend her days at peace, in happiness with a whimsical disregard for me and my heart? Or does she suffer as I do? Wondering how I fare? I must know the answer to these questions. Yet, pride and dignity conspire to keep my queries unanswered.
God help me for You know I am in dire need of it right now. May You grant me happiness or enlightenment with my predicament, as You see fit.