So, at long last, I feel like a decision has been made.
I’m finally choosing to completely cut my losses and move on – no more longing, moping and general dejection. I’m going to rewind life and act like I was in January before any of this year’s romantic endeavours.
What caused my epiphany? Well, as per my most recent blog post, this week has been awful mentally. My heart-breaker dominated my thoughts and my prayers were littered with petitions of a sign; all I wanted was a direction. So, at any rate, I elected to send her a text message – quite platonic – the worst it contained was “I miss you.” Obviously, it was intended to trigger her conscience a little. Well, instead it hit a nerve.
And oh boy, how it did!
I received a cold steely email response (not a text) commanding me not to contact her ever again and that she was feeling “harassed!”
A horrible message to receive and yet an oddly merciful one – it’s exactly what I needed to maker her a ‘villain’ in this play. Now, I can see her as a bitter, spiteful and somewhat twisted individual. If you wish to make your own mind up, bear in mind she had 6 weeks of no contact and then another three week break after an email. When we were seeing each other, we exchanged tens of messages daily. Now, I’m harassing…!
I’m honestly furious. Although I’m massively biased, this is all her fault. The only part I can’t lay at her feet is how I felt for her; everything else is down to her choices and reactions. She’s squarely responsible for building a mutual connection over months and in real-life, only to decide (on a seeming random whim) that it wasn’t worth it. Scratch that – not only was it not worth it – I, a human being, am not worth knowing or talking to. Very Catholic of you, my friend.
The terrible element of the last few months has been the half-hearted rejection; allowing me hope whilst denying me contact. That is now shattered. I’d still love to know how/why this happened. I’m more at peace with the idea that I will never understand how this collapsed so drastically. I don’t like it but I can bear it. This is better.
One bitter note for me – 2017 has seen me interact with 2 different Catholic women and both have ignored me upon requests for reasons for rejections. Am I being bizarre? I’m not demanding reasons. I’m just trying to make the process hurt less, make more sense and help my own future. I’d do the same for any woman I’d reject… I’m fighting with all my might not to draw out these feelings against women in some horrible generalisation.
One final point – if I were pressed to make a literature link (I am currently teaching Shakespeare), it’d have to be the immortal Romeo & Juliet. I always used to consider Romeo to be a naggy, mopey, childish boy at the beginning – whilst teaching, I’ve yet to resonate with a character so easily! Even his lines were jumping out at me as having a connection… If that’s anything to go by, maybe there’s hope yet on the horizon – after all, Romeo sobs for his Rosaline and then promptly forgets her when he lays his eyes upon Juliet! (Let’s just ignore the tragic ending!)
Here’s to new ventures!