Still around and now returned from a summer break – mostly refreshed.
As life does, there were moments less than desirable: a few breakfast sessions dominated by couples dining together. (What struck me was how little they talked; either eating in silence or looking at their phones). And of course, the biggie – one English couple staying at the hotel – the woman was vaguely reminiscent of my ‘ex.’ Vaguely here meaning black hair and blue eyes. But it was enough to hurt. And of course, that meant bumping into her and seeing her again and again. I had to physically restrain myself from creepily staring – not out of lust etc. but simply because she made it feel like she was near again. The eternal question – why is this still bothering me?
Anyway, I’m going to use this post to sound some less than pleasant thoughts out. One of my biggest problems has been with positive theology; if God loves me, why did He let it happen, or as I’ve come to see it, why did He let it happen this way? So despite my faith being strong enough to know I am less than an ant compared to the Almighty, I’m going to go through my so-human way of seeing other options. The following is best seen as if life had a manual and God were a mechanic/computer designer.
1. The moment when I was ‘inspired’ to change my parameters to include older women on CM. If this would be the result, why not prevent it?
2. The moment when I checked out her profile – why not nudge me towards apathy so that nothing began? That’s happened before on dating sites.
3. The moment when she replied and started a conversation – why not make her obviously lacklustre or not reply at all? Cushion me from the blow?
4. The first meet-up. Why allow it? Why encourage both sides to go this far if this were the designed end? Moreover, why have her signal she was still interested at the end?
5. A big one. Why propel me towards defending ‘us’ and fighting for it when she tried to end things for no seemingly legitimate reason? If I’d gained something, perhaps it’d have meaning. As I haven’t, it doesn’t.
6. The biggest one. Why grace me with the ‘in love’ feeling after that selfie? If You knew it was only going to hurt me, why lead me down that path? You could have kept me lacklustre, not-super-interested and I could have taken this as a mere experience. Why would you want me to suffer heartbreak instead?
7. Why when I was at my lowest and most prayerful, after the rejection, would You have me see a statue of St. Therese of Lisieux that was horrifying in its likeness? What is the message? What does the sign mean?
8. In all communications since, why did You not use my prayers to prevent me from contacting her. You knew contacting her would only make things worse for me.
9. The big finale – I’ve spent nearly 6 months in quiet, constant, beseeching prayer asking for relief of some sort. Asking for Your mercy – I know You don’t work to our timescale (and You shouldn’t) but how do I reconcile my belief that You’re all-knowing, all-loving and all-powerful with how I’ve been made to feel these past few months?
My best summary is I feel baited into a trap with no purpose. I’m not prey or food. And as much as my nearest Catholics mention “a test of faith”, this feels a hell of a lot more like what Jesus suffered in the desert than it does a divinely ordained test.
One revelation that’s been bugging me persistently: I realised amidst all the prayers that there is a single scenario that could fill the darkness with light and make this suffering have meaning. It’s the painful, pitiful and obvious one – if she came back. If she made some small effort to re-ignite, to mend, I would be utterly confused and it wouldn’t do my mental health much good, but the jigsaw of the last year would finally fit more snugly. At the same time, is this terrible? I don’t want to hold on to this thought as it’s exactly that – not letting go!
One final point – I was at Mass at my local cathedral t’other day and the sermon was about prayer (after the ‘foreign’ woman whose daughter was cured by Jesus on account of her mother’s faith). I realised here – perhaps I need to forgive her to move on. Then, it hit me! I can’t forgive me because I still don’t know if she wronged me. I’m not talking petty incidents here, but more like confessional worthy sins. And I genuinely don’t know.
Here’s the crux: was not sharing our lives her will or God’s will? It certainly wasn’t mine. But, therein lies the problem.
If it is God’s will, she hasn’t sinned, I’ve presumably been a clown and need to accept my life’s path for what it is. However, if you piece together the feelings and signs I’ve had, it would lean more to wards it being her decision. But I cannot forgive her a wrong until I know it was a wrong!
I’m beginning to suspect that this haunting episode of my life will curse me for the foreseeable.
Until the next one.