Unending Tests

Once again, it’s been a while!

This last year has been a grace from God in so many ways: my job, the people I work with, my family and so on. However, my seemingly eternal discernment and in particular, quest for a godly woman, continues to meander all over the place.

The latest hilarity regards the woman I mentioned in my last entry – yes, the one who resides in the same Diocese and made clear interest, only to be attached. I insisted we take some space and time earlier this year due to me growing too interested (and possibly her too). She accepted, if a little ruefully.

Anyway, we recently re-communicated and met up again. I’m as interested as ever and  she seems to be too. Before the meeting, I’d just been explaining the situation to my sister and how there was no ‘good’ way out of the situation as if she ended her relationship with her current boyfriend, then I’d naturally feel less trust because what if she encountered an improved model whilst dating me?

Anyway, amidst all my pointless musings, I met up with her. Big news! He dumped her and with a cold reason. Thankfully, I’ve got enough sense and compassion to know not to dive straight in – I don’t want to be a rebound and people need time to grieve such losses. However, I also thought it my Christian duty to offer counsel as she was confused. Her previous man seemed to have been mistreating her and not living up to being a Significant Other. She was in total agreement and not just because it was me speaking. She often interrupted and finished the sentence(s) before me so she was on exactly the same page as me.

Anyway, the evening drew to a close. I can’t lie – was I happier for this relationship of hers having ended? Yes. Absolutely. And yes, partially selfishly, but mostly selflessly in a positive move for my friend. Days later, she shattered this.

She got in touch and passed some enigmatic comment about needing to make the right decisions for her own happiness… You’ve probably guessed by now, but yes, she’s back with him! So, my good Catholic friend, who ‘liked’ me too, has returned to a man she didn’t see it working out with…? And not only that, but she accepts it’s making her less happy…?!

After my first great heartbreak, I realised I’d encountered a spine made of steel. Obviously, a backbone is a positive for everyone but when bonding and with a view to future marriage, you don’t need it to be steel-reinforced. You want a steady backbone that is supple enough to bend and twist with the right pressures (good arguments, opinions, advice etc.) However, this time, I appear to have found the very opposite? A backbone so weak, so movable that the woman lets herself be openly hurt and worse off than single and in a more positive frame of mind? One distinction from last time, is rather than be full of weepy heartbreak, I seem to be full of fury this time.

I  don’t even know if the fury is justified. I mean, she has been in a relationship this whole time. I took her very seriously from the outset due to meeting her for the first time after a proper Adoration session where I’d emptied my heart and soul, but I could always have been over-reading it?

Mercifully, this has not been some huge theological roadblock. But it does still raise questions – why do I pray consistently for the same thing, and not only fail to receive it, but keep receiving false friends instead? Would this journey be better utterly single with no prospects until God deigned it to be the right time? One depressing reading would be that this is the second time in my life that God has answered my wail and provided a good, devout woman in my life and left the rest up to us to figure out. Second time around that I feel I’ve made all the right steps – haven’t pressured or made known intentions due to her relationship, just supported her as a good Catholic friend – only for the free will of said woman to scuttle everything.

My romantic life, and all parts thereof, are crackers as ever.

Trusting in God, ’til the next time.