So, last weekend was the feast of Christ the King – hence the ultra-positive mantras I mentioned at the youth gathering.
Full of the Good Shepherd imagery, it wasn’t really a healing experience; it’s linked to this infernal lack of the Catholic faith addressing warped grace. Basically, the weekend theme was Trust + Faith + Path = Happiness/contentment/joy.
And yet I’ve suffered one vivid experience of this not being the case. I left church on Sunday with a distinct analogy that doesn’t really square up – at least, it shows where my thoughts lie. Amidst this shepherd talk, I realised my best summary:
God indicated a path to a shelter, a barn perhaps and bleating as the trustful sheep, I pranced in and found myself a fitting pile of hay whereupon to rest. My shepherd perched on a bench just outside the barn admiring the scarlet sunset. As I closed my eyes in blissful sleep, a wolf, that had been hiding in the barn, crept up and began to savage my legs.
I woke up with a start and let out a yelp of terror and pain. The shepherd ran in and using his crook, scared away the snarling beast. Yet the damage was done. My legs were bloody tatters of their former selves. I tried to stand on them but wobbled, bleated and fell, exhausted. The shepherd knelt down next to me attempting to soothe my wounds but there was little he could do mitigate the pain.
Now, if we revert back to human minds – is it not natural too, then that said sheep, somewhat recovered, would be less trusting of the barn, and possibly its shepherd too?
Anyway – here’s today’s big question:
Are you in control of whom you love?
To clarify – I do not refer to relatives/friends nor do I refer to the Christian duty to love others, and finally, nor do I refer to the will to love a significant other.
I refer to what I can only call the random mixture of brain chemicals that alter your very perception of the world around you. The chemical reaction that you are unable to predict, unable to cause and science, as of yet (2017), has been unable to bottle. If you’ve been blessed enough to experience it, it’s incapacitating – consider the loss of your human faculties – your decisions are no longer ruled by impulse, instinct, wisdom, logic, morality, or any vice you care to mention (e.g. lust being the obvious one). Suddenly, you have a new motivation – one that makes no biological sense – why should it override your animal instincts for food/survival?
Scarier still – as I point out – you have no control over it. For a believer like me, this naturally plays into the “intelligent designer” concept – duh. Hence my reference to this feeling as God’s grace on multiple occasions. What else can I call an unexpected event that brings me elevated happiness, answers my prayers and brings new meaning to my life without any input/control from me?
I have only experienced it from this side – am I believe that in this oh-so-flawed world we inhabit that not only are there people who fall into genuinely unrequited love (the norm is infatuation, crushes, or creepy devotion becoming obsession), but worse still, there are people who fall out of love? People set up to be together only for our real-world existence to affect them in such a way that one might neglect/be blind to/prohibit that grace from working??
As I’ve meandered off on country walks recently, my mumbled conversation with God have taken the mantle of “As I tread upon your Earth…”
I think my pain’s diminishing but it’s at its worst when I stop and think – I begin to wonder why? When I consider with the ticking of the clock, that I live, breathe and walk upon His earth at the same time she does – and that He deigned I should feel strong emotions for this other human… with no greater purpose than to be rejected?
To feel purposeless sorrow – the greatest torture of all.
And now fast approaches the worst time of the year to find oneself alone and vapid.
That’s me out for now.