For a wordsman, I’ve become a bit obsessed with how much this is a numbers game. And for a non-gambler, how much the odds are stacked against me.
What do I mean? Simple. When you consider free will versus divine control, what is the ratio? The fraction? The balance?
Why am I asking? Because the answer alters the meaning in my life. If her cutting loose and walking away was a 100% human decision, it allows me some peace of mind in thinking that what I thought was God’s grace was indeed such and she spurned that; possibly, even thwarted one of God’s smaller plans – who knows.
On the flip side, if she was controlled and then expected, intended, or urged to divide us – that raises some awkward questions for my faith – not because God saw fit to engineer something I didn’t agree with – but rather, because I can trace things back to the exact moment I had my Damascene conversion – when the lady I had just started seeing leapt from casual short-term interest to being the centre of my world. She did nothing to cause this. I made no concious, human choice to see/value her differently. I just felt differently. Inexplicably.
That is where I would take issue. Why gratify me with falling for someone if His plan was for it to end so sharply so suddenly? Before the “learn lessons” brigade appears; there are none to be had here. Trust me – I’ve scoured.
Despite not getting on with numbers, a clearer idea of this endless God-human balance would do me (and I suspect the world) a world of good.
But that’s not how faith works. As confusingly, frustratedly, and agitatedly as ever, ’til the next time.