I am feeling terrible.
Yes, things were looking up after my last post. And for a short while, they did indeed seem to be working nicely. We were in touch and escalated to phonecalls and I was wanting to suggest a date for a second date.
But as of this week/weekend absolute radio silence. No response to messages of any kind. We usually use Fb Messenger which seems decent enough. She hasn’t even read the message (it supposedly got delivered). So after a couple of days, I sent her a WhatsApp message this morning – also not read. And yet, both apps declare she’s been active and online.
Now don’t get me wrong – ghosting is horrible and as well as suffering it, I’ve dealt my fair share. But never after meeting someone in real life! Is that just me? Your worth, as a human being, as a character in my story just jumped significantly if we successfully met up. You suddenly, in short, mean more.
My mistake seems to be assuming more of women because I meet them through a Christian/Catholic website. Is it that weird to think that if I’ve built enough of a connection to meet and interact, then I’m also deserving of reason? This is what absolutely infuriates me. I’m well aware that life gets in the way; that people don’t feel things are at the right time; even that baggage haunts or new, more exciting prospects turn up on your doorstep. But for God’s sake, if you’ve been contacting someone, don’t just go all Pluto.
It’s the least Christian thing you can do in terms of relationships. This year has been coloured by this brand of insanity for me. Women, who I find attractive, and who appear to be holy, wholesome people but, with no explanation, and a refusal to provide any form of reason, they just ‘go off’ me. At this point, of course, they trigger the vicious circle – I, knowing they found me attractive, feel dejected and want to know the reasoning, so in a mopey fashion, I beg and implore, thus making myself less attractive and no doubt confirming stereotypes that I could be a ‘creepy guy.’
It’s exhausting. Women seem to expect love and devotion. That’s excellent. And they’re excellent at playing the game for it. But why do all my connections seem to kick-start the process, then change their minds and blame me in the aftermath?
Perhaps, I’m being petulant this time. For all I know, she could reinitiate contact this coming week with a superb reason for the delay. But, this is killing me. It feels like I’m semi-starved of oxygen. Like all the breaths I take are laden.
The two things I hate the most:
1. I’m reacting so badly to this because of my previous experiences this year – which just serves to resurrect all those feelings and doubts.
2. As it’s nowhere near the depth of a relationship I formed earlier this year, it sort of solidifies that one as meaningful – a bad taste I wish to scrub from my tongue with industrial soap.
This is not a good time. Can one be prayed out? I’ve prayed before, during and after this and I receive no act of mercy, compassion or relief. Only more suffering and despair.
Perhaps I’ll be back on dreaded CatholicMatch sooner than I thought.
Edit: One day later, and a night that saw me enveloped deep in frenetic prayer, she did in fact communicate to explain that she’d had connection/Internet issues. People always say God doesn’t work to our timescales but it always freaks me out a little when there’s that element of immediacy.