Hello again! I’m on summer break now (finally!) but as expected, it’s been something of a curse… Too much time to think, ponder and bemoan my own situation.
I’ve reached a weird plateau. I’ve mostly successfully severed the emotional bonds I still had to the woman I dated earlier this year. (I thought I saw her in a cafe in Whitby this past weekend and it brought the literal heartache rushing back). However, it hasn’t provided the release I’m seeking – I still have two colossal problems – one on a human level, the other divine/theological.
The human level irritates me; I know that I’m different to women now and embarking upon romantic ventures (online or otherwise) is harder and a bitter experience fraught with anxious thinking, second-guessing and greater apathy than ever. For example, I’ve been communicating with someone else through CatholicMatch – a lovely young woman, different to the last, but connected by the same faith. We just traded phone numbers – this should make my heart flutter with excitement; instead, I’m eaten up by worries; how can I ever trust a woman who contacts me based on attraction/romance again? That’s my problem to sort mentally but it’s grim.
The other is the same as ever. I love my faith. But by God, I never saw myself experiencing this.
#1: Catholicism teaches that God is loving and wants the best for us.
#2: I have free will to make certain right/wrong decisions and choices.
Everything about the experience earlier this year was prayerful, holy, done above-board and was the closest I have ever been to having a ‘pure’ soul for my side. To top that, I felt generally graced and there were at least two to three moments/happenings that I could attribute to divine ‘signs.’
But naturally, the biggest worry is what I’ll call the ‘love switch.’ I now know up till this point I had never ‘loved’ anyone with a romantic urge. More worryingly, I had no say/part in falling in love with that woman. Something just flicked in my head and she went from someone I enjoyed contacting to someone I burned to see, hear and receive communication from. If as the platitude goes, it “just wasn’t meant to be” then why, oh why was I made to fall in love??!
I was going to arrange a session with my parish priest but it turns out we’re holidaying in the same place and likely meeting up for a drink so I don’t want to make things awkward.
The weirdest element of this has been the soul-crushing loneliness. And I don’t just mean on the romantic front. It’s freaked me out how few people there seem to exist who have had any similar experience at all. People just don’t get it. Even close family and friends.
My first surprise was months ago at the raw stages, one of my good friends (semi-Catholic) used the word ‘grieving’ to refer to this period – not as a comment on me as he was going through something similar. I remember thinking how silly but actually it fits amazingly. You feel bereft – robbed even. It changes your perception of life for quite a while and makes you ponder the big questions. The greatest correlation of all though is people’s dismissal of the pain. There’s almost an unwritten 6-month period of pain a person is ‘allowed’ by other humans until the comments change from “I’m here” to “you’ve got to pull yourself together.”
Though of course, the greatest tragedy I’ve been able to spot in this comparison? If you’re Christian, or any kind of believer, you’re able to clutch at the idea of an afterlife to comfort you in the state of bereavement. What do you do here? I can’t refer myself to “Trust God – he knows what he’s doing” as that’s what I was doing pre-Christmas and then all this happened so it feels very much akin to inviting a dodgy tradesman into your house and only discovering the damage afterwards.
We’ll see what summer brings – hopefully, I can dispel these gloomy thoughts to some degree.
Song of the moment capturing the mood: Paint it Black, Rolling Stones