I’m in an odd limbo at the moment.
Still working away. Still communicating with people and living life. But I’ve got this vocie whispering in my ear about what I’m missing. Anytime I do something to try and reach an equilibrium, (sports, friends, activities), it begins whispering again to remind me lest I forget what I truly seek in and from life. It’s exhausting.
This isn’t me sitting down, reflecting and choosing to over-ponder any prospect of romance. This is me trying to live life for myself and something isn’t letting me.
I’ve been getting irritated recently by the number of places, sites and people declaring with false wisdom, “know yourself first, then you are ready for someone else” and that sort of tripe. Have they not stepped out into the world??
Point 1: Knowing yourself supposedly “deeply” is actually more likely to make you self-assured, overly decisive and potentially even arrogant. All horrible traits that would require dialling down to make any relationship work. So, stupid plan. Good idea to make yourself rounded with hobbies and the like but if you fill every minute of your life with activity, anyone who pops along is quickly going to seem like an inconvenience.
Point 2: When did spiritual preparedness become a must for beginning relationships? 2/3 of the couples I know get together and see how things develop together – that’s the whole point. The relationship grows to define them through their actions and reactions. When I read some bitter commenter declaring “I don’t need a woman to define me” it’s a sign of serious misunderstanding. She’s not there to define you – but the relationship does (and should!)
Feeling quite low again; several reasons: the few women I’d been communicating with across various online platforms have all stopped talking; met up with my old uni gang in Leeds where romance came up as a topic – as per, I have friends who count themselves as supremely lucky that they’ve got someone and others who simply glide from one relationship to the next, turning the casual-serious dial as they see fit; lastly, being in Leeds meant I walked past the cafe where my truest romantic prospect extended our first date. Having had a few drinks down me, this sight of the place was enough to enrage me.
Still on the road to healing, then. 3 weeks left of term. I’m off to France today for a week with school. Hopefully refreshing…?