So without any due cause, I once again, feel pretty terrible.
I am struggling through life at the moment – I’m still not anxious or depressed though I’m sure some of my thoughts/reactions could be filed under either condition.
As I predicted months ago – the first meaningful romantic experience of my life has marked me. All for the worse it would seem too.
Now, whenever I correspond with anyone on the internet seeking romance, I’m compromised emotionally. Paranoia sets in easily when they don’t reply swiftly and I double-read every message. None of this used to happen – but since my trust has been broken (and most emphatically so), I can’t trust a woman at the beginning stages of dating/communication. A pitiful scenario.
People have been constantly reminding me that dating is “supposed to be fun.” For an introverted soul like mine, that could have been a hilarious prospect to begin with. Now, it’s a nightmare – and worse still, not for the reasons you think. Yes, I no longer “enjoy” these initial stages of communication because when they’re great, they only serve to remind me how wrong I got it recently. Maybe you’re thinking I’m going to pollute any chances I do have? Fear will prevent me from meeting up with people or being myself. In a good way, I’m granted the strength of character to be able to repeatedly initiate interactions.
The real negative is this though – out of two datees both have rejected me – and worse still, both without a proper reason. I’m sure this means they can sleep peacefully thinking I’ll be better off rejected. Do they never think or wonder why I’m pondering the reason? They’ve actively received non-pushy, friendly communication from me merely requesting a reason. Two out of two decent, Catholic human beings have chosen to not dignify me with a response. What does that mean? Are they cruel people? I don’t think so… Is their reasoning shallow in their own mind? E.g. Are they afraid of saying “You’re just too short?”
As usual, I’m struggling with the divine element in this now. God wants me to go through trials and suffering? Fine. He wants me to experience the most euphoric happiness just so I know what it feels like…? Less fine. I am in control of so little here. I control who I speak to and how I do so – usually, this ends in no responses or mediocre ones. Everything else I have no control over – their effort, responsiveness, willingness to meet, “spark”, attraction and their decision making. The same major thing still worries me:
I read somewhere that that feeling you get when you feel your heart/soul drawn to someone (i.e. love, not lust or attraction), that is an act of God’s grace. So in other words, no control. I wholly accept that God has plans and He knows better than me who is a suitable match. What I don’t accept is that I should suffer a pretend-relationship that not only stings and scars, but leaves me with only ill-feeling and renewed negatives. We’re taught to believe that’s not how God works. That He wants the best for us. Well, for months now, this feels like the exact opposite of the best.
I just want to feel better. I’m scared that the only thing that could truly heal me is finding a/the right person. Why am I scared you ask? Because the vicious circle continues: rather than me entering the relationship whole and happy as I did in February, I would be seeking healing for my embittered heart.
At this point, I’m dreading my summer break. As someone of nerdy pastimes, I relish quiet time to invest in my hobbies. Not this time. Not at all.
Worst part of all – I’m still praying wholeheartedly. But I’m more cynical and God knows that. That’s what happens when I’m made to undergo an experience that isn’t only grim, cruel and cracks my heart, but happens despite countless robust prayers. We’ll see what the end of term brings.
‘Til the next time.