So, looks like I’m on again for bringing an online contact into the real world this weekend. *deep breath*
Obviously, I’m happy(ish) but there’re added nerves to this first date. Key questions:
– Am I ready or is it still too soon?
– Am I going to constantly compare her to my previous flame?
– Am I going to struggle to keep my recent endeavour a distant topic during conversation?
You see; this is part of why I’m so annoyed at the fabric of reality. Rewind several months and I’d have just felt a lot happier in exactly the same boat. Instead, I’m now more paranoid, more anxious (not in a clinical sense) and more dependant! Before anyone jumps in with “See, you know that now and can start to change” – I wasn’t like that earlier this year! That’s what’s so bloody frustrating. I suffered a life-experience, that taken as a whole, has soured me and pushed me back as a developing human…! Great.
I’m just hoping that my new first date can knock me out of my socks. Because that is the only true happening that could alter my perception at the moment. She shouldn’t have such pressure forced upon her to redress my life balance but she won’t know she’s doing it, so should be alright…
My greatest fear is that the date goes badly. Not because I’ll be starved of attention or any such nonsense. But rather, because I know what I’m like with signs. This recent rejection wasn’t clear-cut. As such, it involved a great amount of praying and seeking His wisdom. Naturally, if the weekend date goes wrong, then I’ll crumple a little bit and it will force me to compare (once again) to my most recent experiences. E.g. If we’re not particularly compatible, I would focus on how compatible my ex and I were… a slippery road.
The thing to focus on, believe it or not, is how utterly powerless I am. Truly. I have now done everything in my earthly means to communicate: we’ve emailed, we’ve spoken on the phone, I sent a letter (which never got there) and I’ve sent a final email. I must stop. I’ve done my bit. If there were ever something there, and more importantly if He wanted there to be, I leave it up to Him. I can do no more.
I also re-discovered Bon Jovi’s ‘You Give Love a Bad Name’ recently. One lyric kept jumping out at me:
“I play my part and you play your game.”
I’ve had days where I’ve aimed those words skyward and others where I’ve aimed them at my recent lady.
Hopefully, the next time I tune in, it’ll be a first-date review…!