This one’s quite a theological one despite my having absolutely no qualifications or bearing in this field.
So, as a Catholic, humans are all gifted with free will: free will to choose God or not, free will to differentiate between right and wrong and free will to make choices and reactions to daily life.
More complicated though is obviously the idea that God is God! Thus, He’s in charge of the universe, knows all, has designed all and dishes out His merciful graces.
I still find myself caught between these two spheres. I pray constantly for guidance, advice and healing if need be. I’ve prayed for signs (as specifically as asking for not suggestions in my brain due to how topsy-turvy I am at the moment). The great news is I do receive signs! The bad news is that they’re just as devastatingly unhelpful as everything else. Allow me to offer an example. Earlier this week, I received a letter from Royal Mail – it was the (7 page long!) letter I’d sent to my latest romantic pursuit trying to explain my hurting and hopeful position. Now, more than 6 weeks later, it arrives back at my door, with the post company claiming she didn’t live at that address… Wow.
Was that sign supposed to mean clear off?! Or was it meant to mean keep on fighting? Anyway, today was my self-imposed deadline-day – I sent my final email to that woman. A short piece of writing outlining that my life had been the worse for wear without her these last few weeks. Well, I received no response. Utterly ignored. Which isn’t entirely surprising given that she rejected me.
But that was the whole problem – a rejection that didn’t seem properly heartfelt. Well, it still doesn’t but I’d said that if I received no response from this final attempt, I’d have to wash my hands of it. Feels horrendous but there you go.
I read an interesting blog earlier today about allowing oneself to “be held” by God – the idea that you sacrifice human control and accept that God is in charge of your life and its path etc. I love that as an idea. But recently, that idea has caused me no small amount of pain because I’m failing to see the validity of my recent suffering… Well hopefully Mass tomorrow morning will make me feel a little better and in the meantime…
Let His will be done.