Can you tell I’m at my weakest mentally? I think I’ve posted more on this blog in a fortnight than I have in several years combined!
I’m running out of things to say without repeating myself now – something my head’s been doing overtime recently. But still, doubts and ill-thoughts remain. One point I’ll make is on the language surrounding this stuff. I’ve read the word “stung” in so many posts and heard it used by several close family and friends. This is practically offensive. They all mean well but what I’ve been feeling isn’t a “sting.” It should be just that – a jolt of pain that remains for a while before you forget it ever occurred.
All my comparisons would features blades/bullets because this is a genuine physical reaction. Even today, after a almost a fortnight of separation, thinking properly about her causes me to suffer an acute tightness in the chest – this is abnormal, after our lack of intimacy, after our short time together. So how, I ask you, how can I not read some level of deeper meaning into this? My own mother said the other day: “You’ll never forget this.” A scary comment but I believe she’s right. Which is why I’m so desperate to attach higher meaning to the whole experience so that when I do remember it, I can think “Oh, but it led to this.”
Examples: “Oh at least I earned a genuine, long-lasting friendship.
“Oh, now that I can see how our lives developed, I can see how/why we didn’t work.”
“Well I helped her combat her anxiety so actively aided another human being – the ultimate Christian action.”
But of course, I’ve been denied any and all of these options with the permanent guillotining of contact.
A couple of things I’ve read recently have had a massive impact on my way of thinking/fears/worries.
https://www.catholicsingles.com/blog/john/why-you-two-broke-up?title=why-you-two-broke-up&user_name=john In particular, the last paragraph punched me in the gut as it is addressing my worst fear. My absolute worst fear: “You were both right for each other, you both appreciated each other, but for some reason one or both parties decide to not make it work.” He goes on to say you just need to move on but how can you with this thought lingering in your mind?
I posted on a Catholic corner of Reddit the other night too. I got some silly responses from Catholic men who seem to believe aggressive manliness is the key to success! (I’m paraphrasing, but still). Link is here: https://www.reddit.com/r/CatholicDating/comments/66y4r2/bruised_and_heartbroken_any_similar_experiences/
One commenter finally spoke sense but it was still sense that stabbed: “Attraction is something that you cannot control. If you’re attracted to her, you had no say in it, it wasn’t a conscious act of the will. Same goes for her, she’s just not attracted to you.” Right. So we’ve come full circle! It’s not my fault that I feel so deeply – it’s intended. But then – so is her absence of reciprocated feelings?! I’m no stranger to unrequited feelings. Not at all. I, was, however, a stranger to unrequited love connected via my faith and soul. It just all feels needlessly cruel that I felt so graced for a short period of time, only to feel so forsaken now. It is worthwhile pointing out that I don’t feel abandoned by God – like any whimpering child or tantrumming teenager, I can’t understand my Father’s wisdom. Unlike those examples though, I very much want to. I don’t expect to. I don’t deserve to. But I crave that understanding in the hope that it can help seal this gaping wound.
Back to work tomorrow – in some ways, it will be a blessing. In others, it will be an absolute curse.