4 comments on “The Raw Madness of Heartbreak

  1. “Huge questions remain about this whole recent experience, but my belief has not wavered. Doubt has crept in, but not through the door I was expecting…the Lord saw fit to make me a ‘Thomas’ if you will – he gave me the caring, compassion and love but sculpted my brain from cynicism, skepticism and doubt that came from a curious and querying mind.”

    While reading your post, as heartbreaking and difficult your situation sounds, I really resonated with what I copied above that you wrote. As I have mentioned in some of my other comments, I feel like we have had parallel experiences, rooted in faith and trust in God and in our Catholic beliefs. Reading this post and the other post you just publicized today broke my heart for you. I’m sorry that you are feeling this way and haven’t seemed to find any respite for the feelings you have. I don’t know if what I have to say will help you through this, but here are some things I have learned and/or tried from my experiences with relationships that got me through difficult times:

    1. Continue to express your feelings through song/music/blog posts, etc. to not only make your feelings more tangible and open, rather than keeping them in, but to also potentially connect with others who might be going through similar situations and/or have gone through similar events. It may open a door towards healing and connect you with another person who has been through a similar journey/path.

    2. Seek counseling or guidance from an outsider, whether it be from a trained professional or priest. Sometimes speaking about your emotions and feelings with someone who doesn’t know you as intimately as your close and friends and family will provide an unbiased outside perspective that may help things finally click and help you slowly move on towards acceptance.

    3. When you are reminded of negative thoughts or doubts, try to re-envision or remold your thoughts towards positive things: your accomplishments, friends and family that love and support you, future prospects of travels/adventures, upcoming fun events, etc. You can also look at the relationship in a different light. Think of the positive things that happened in all the past relationships you had and how each one may have helped you gain a better understanding of who you are in a relationship, what type of relationship you want, and how you have been able to move on in the past and open yourself up to a new friendship and potential relationship.

    Hope these things help in any shape or form! I’ll keep you in my prayers!

    • Hey – thanks for commenting again! It means a lot. You speak a lot of sense. See, the hard thing for me is this was just dating. Not even an official relationship. Which raises three points:

      1) Why do I feel so strongly about it ending?! (My choice or is my heart being guided?).

      2) Does that suggest it was ended too prematurely and not enough chance/time was given?

      3) I feel literally no benefit from this recent “relationship” as it was only glimpses and was cut before I could make any lasting positive ones. Now, the nearest ones are tainted with over-analysis and bewilderment.

      I’m seriously impressed at your empathy for a total stranger ha – kudos to your Christian charity.

      • Thanks 🙂 That makes sense. Have you asked yourself whether these feelings were rooted in lust? It doesn’t necessarily have to be a sexual lust, but it can also be a lust for the “idea” of the boxes you marked off from this encounter. It may have ended too prematurely, but there are always two sides to every story; it wasn’t only your voice and your choices, since she played a role in it, too. Sometimes people are in different places/points in their life that don’t always present itself for the best opportunity for something with such great potential to work out, speaking from personal experience.

      • D’you know what I have – I honestly don’t think there was an element of lust. Sexual or otherwise, that’s often short-lived and you’re able to identify it. And that’s just it – hilariously, I was just like her before I met her – I’d regularly contemplate the future, partnerships and God’s plan. Once I was seeing her, I honestly didn’t set us up a future. I was just really enjoying the present time of talking to her, spending time with her etc. and feeling very graced.

        And you’re absolutely right – and that’s what so frustrating on two levels. One; I don’t know the real reason – if the reason is it’s not great timing, then communicate that and if need be shelve us for the time being. Two; I’ve felt for a while like I was (it’s corny) there to help her improve her life and attitudes etc by making her more ready for opportunities like this despite how she might be feeling. There’s no way my job’s done that quickly. And if it were, God would presumably have allowed me the contentedness from it.

        It’s a set of scales. Some moments, it’s 50:50 and I genuinely don’t know which direction I’m supposed to head in. Other times, it’s 60:40 and I feel like I’m charged to do something about this. I just haven’t been granted the proper insight yet. Humph.

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