Well, I’ve just spent Easter week and the Triduum in beautiful Roma; complete with the three visits to St. Peter’s Square and two times seeing Pope Francis! A wonderful short break – in some ways, just what I needed because the stresses of being trip leader occupied me and the majority of my thoughts. I shared a room with my sister and I feel sorry for her because any quiet or downtime irreversibly steered itself towards this same topic of conversation – my most recent attempt at a fulfilling relationship.
I naively thought that Rome would dispel/dilute my thoughts and feelings but alas – Rome would appear to be the new Paris – it has more loved-up couples than it does cobblestones. You can’t move, eat or talk for bumping into a pair – aside from my recent scalding, the problem is it makes you (or rather, me) people-watch much more intensely – are they a good match? Do they seem to work? I have had over a decade of watching people and feeling dismayed that who I consider to be an incredibly attractive woman ends up with a potentially ugly bloke (physical or character) whilst I am left alone. My recent instance is the nearest I’ve ever come to “heartbreak.” Suddenly, all the soppy songs with the horrendous lyrics spring to life with revelation. Whether eloquently penned or not, they address something fundamental that I had hitherto not felt – that indescribable feeling when your heart (and soul) begin to grow attached to someone — all the classic signs were there for me – her face becoming her, representing all her qualities and the sudden paling insignificance of other women.
Even after a week away from England, I’m just as confused and hurt. I’m calmer perhaps – less manic. One thing I’m still very positive about is my own relationship with God – I feared if things didn’t work out with the lady I was seeing, it would begin to crack the foundations of my faith and sincere doubt would creep in. I’m happy to report that this did not happen – my faith has steadied. Huge questions remain about this whole recent experience, but my belief has not wavered. Doubt has crept in, but not through the door I was expecting. Doubt came in the form of me questioning the wisdom of God’s greater plan: part of me knows how disrespectful and untrusting this is. Another part of me – the logical part – asks how can the bind-folded man completely trust the voice that walks the path with him when is only heard intermittently? I have something of a special faith – the people I meet tend to be either very quiet and closeted Christians or loud, proclaiming ones – both have merits but I’m firmly stuck in the centre – the Lord saw fit to make me a ‘Thomas’ if you will – he gave me the caring, compassion and love but sculpted my brain from cynicism, scepticism and doubt that came from a curious and querying mind.
It’s this facet of my mind that has made this period oh-so-torturous. The fact that I’ve never felt like this someone before – blow. The fact that it’s apparently not reciprocated – blow. The idea that she wants us to have no contact, almost as if denying we ever crossed paths at all – the greatest blow of all. If you take my mystery woman at her word’s value and assume that like me, she is trying to do her best in life by God, then she is blameless. I’ve been very frank in the way I felt strongly about her. Now, she’s done the same even if the delivery is confusing. If that’s how I read the situation the words “cosmic joke” jump out at me – think Ancient Greek and Roman myths and legends: people are playthings of the gods, toyed with for sheer amusement. Some have suggested this was God saying it shouldn’t happen – but then why would he have allowed it to begin> There were innumerable points at which He could have stalled/stopped it completely. So my reading is that He did want it to happen. But like this?! What possible purpose could this meet? Yes – I know – time will tell.
There are positives to have taken from this overall experience but once these are combined with my own infatuation, this whole kerboodle wasn’t an intelligent way of reaching those positives. Back to the usual infuriating conundrum then: if I believe God wished me to embark upon a relationship with all my heart and soul, and she believed the same God made her have an absence of “feelings” for me, then what on God’s green earth, is going on?? One thing I am sure of – whatever God intended, he would’ve wished for both of us to benefit from proceedings in some form – my best bet would have been friendship. You can never have too many Catholic friends! I stand firm in my belief that her decision to guillotine all contact is at odds with any divine plan as it is the direst of cruelty for both of us; I’ve lost more than I started with and she’s at the very least, lost a friend willing to learn about her life and help her with anxiety etc. For someone who seemed to cherish her friends, I recall a cold statement where she declared: “I don’t think either of us needs another friend.”
In summary, I’m still very fractured mentally and I’m seeking any fast cure I can find. Sadly, I’ve failed. I’ve deleted pretty much all trace of my recent lady friend from my phone – no phone number, no WhatsApp, no selfies and messages. However, I’ve returned to CatholicMatch which shows me our original messages… and her beautiful face. Even now, I wish with a heart-in-pieces that she would get in touch – in some form so she’s at least in my life and I could link the spiritual side with some merit. Hoo boy. This is going to take some serious healing.
Signing off with many prayers…