So this is it – the worst of news! So we’re over. Kaput. Discarded. Ended. No more.
She’d invited me round to her house for a weekend plan of going to the beach. Friday night went as planned – something of a movie night – though we were a little detached. She fell asleep whilst watching and was utterly adorable – breathing lightly under a blanket. We eventually turned in (separate beds – Catholics!) and agreed to meet at breakfast.
She made eggy bread for breakfast and then whallop! Out of nowhere: “I’m sorry – I can’t do this. We need to talk about something.” What followed was the “I don’t have any feelings for you – let’s end it” talk. I struggled and fought a little but it was over. You can’t embark upon a relationship if one half doesn’t want to.
An odd positive was this conversation brought out a few unlikeable traits (stubborn attitude to boundaries). No light was shed on whether I could’ve done anything different! Apparently, I’m the perfect gentleman who’s so kind and thoughtful etc. So much so that she wishes she could “turn on the switch” but she can’t. She wouldn’t say if it was an attractiveness thing or what.
Another positive was her anecdote about how she feels like she needs someone – a life partner. Particularly in her department where everyone’s married with kids. So she feels the same way I do – but I’m not the one!!
She feels we’ve both got partners lined up for us by God. The brutal one was where she said she could see herself marrying her previous exes despite their horrible (mean, abusive) traits. So the spark was there from her point of view! Typically, she meets me – I have the spark but she doesn’t – if ever there was a time to be cynical of His mysterious ways, this would be it.
Ultimately, it’s been a fun and enriching experience to care for/think of someone else and send her presents and court her. She stuck by her word and gave us a chance to see. I’m just struggling how to connect her surprise at my actions (praising, compliments, gifts, anxiety listening, fighting for her) with this complete absence of feelings!
I had a sense this was coming – I’m just as terrible as ever at the whole affectionate (kissing, cuddling) gig. Is this what put her off?
Lesson to be learned: I fall far too easily. My heart aches right now. Especially as she insisted on a scorched earth policy with no contact.
With an extremely heavy heart, back to online dating it is…!
EDIT: mere hours later, my mind is playing over all the little things that make me think of her. Feels absolutely brutal. Like having a life-support machine ripped out.