So hold on to your hats so you don’t lose them down this roller-coaster!
The headline is my first date woman has proven to be a repeat-date, much to my delight. The sub-heading, however, is that my head’s all over the place. My world has been turned topsy-turvy and I’m not sure what to make of it…
Firstly, I’m normally a man of calm and calculated logic. I’m a day-to-day realist and my life has such a mundane nature that I generally always achieve a calm night’s sleep. Since having met this woman and communicated with her, I’ve endured several sleepless nights – most often, immediately following meeting her. I could best summarise this as being the first time in my life that my heart/soul have taken precedence over my mind. I think this is where my uneasy feeling is coming from; it’s so detached from my common way of working and living; and yet I adore it!
This whole experience has brought to light a couple of things I’m no great fan of.
- I am addicted to being in touch – not all the time, but if hours and hours go past, my mind inevitably jumps to negative thoughts. I almost feel dependant. This can massively affect my mood too…
- Having not had much experience in the dating/relationships game, I was never to know; I think I have a nasty jealous/possessive streak. There have already been at least two occasions upon which I felt rather angry or mistreated with no real reason other than it involved other men being kind/generous.
On the other hand, there have been legions of absolute positives!
- I am feeling more at one with my own faith than I have in some time. I feel particularly graced to have received some form of a response to a prayer of years. (But then, I tend to worry – is it this or is it my own image-forcing?) I’ve always been a regular night prayer person but not really a morning one – now, I make the time when I arrive at work to say an intentioned prayer.
- One of our meet-ups has involved saying the rosary in a cathedral – I absolutely adored this; we almost attended Mass but as it was a surprise requiem service, we elected not to.
- I am completely smitten – undoubtedly in a troubling way. Is it infatuation? Yes! But this is more about soul and image combined, not some worldly lusting. For instance, something that I never expected – after having “looked” at women so long considering if I had a potential partner around the next corner, that part of my life has just dropped away like old cobwebs. Even my usual “type” (if you buy into such things) has been rendered largely pointless. I no longer seem to look at women as they can no longer compare to what I’ve encountered. Is this weird? I have no way of knowing… But again, it feels positive.
I just recently spent a Saturday in her company in her home city; it was blissful. Aside from all the gushing I could do here about her mannerisms, it also seemed to be the happiest/most open she has been in my company. Potentially, because it was also the longest we’ve spent in each other’s company? My memory’s already blurring but I’m fairly certain she ended the date with a kiss to the cheek which I don’t think has happened previously. Even now, when I think of those small moments when she turns her head quickly with a flick of her raven hair, chills travel up my spine. Anytime I see photos of her in my own space, the same thing – I can feel my heart inflate, only to deflate at her absence.
The only current negative is that after enjoying possibly the best Saturday of my entire life, I now have to embark upon a three-week physical detox because of her busy, busy social/work diary. All I can think about is how long the gap is at the moment – I’ve never been a good light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel person despite us having arranged to meet up after this period of absence. Really, this leaves me with two options:
- Try to change how I react to these sort of moments/situations – despite having no idea how to accomplish this.
- Make it clear to the woman in question that I’d like to advance things; a tricky manoeuvre in of itself as I agreed we could go at her pace..
Dear readers, do not be fooled – the message is indeed brighter than it ever has been! And yet, the sun-beams are still shrouded in autumn mists. I’ve neared the edge of the forests of loneliness, but the light hasn’t penetrated enough to point out a path.
Allow me to sign off as cautiously optimistic, until the next time.