So, particularly for anyone who happens to be back-dating through this, a little history wouldn’t go amiss. In my 21 years, I have only ever had one relationship and I’m not sure I’d truly clarify it as a proper one. It lasted a couple of weeks and although, she fawned over me, it was just like spending more time with one particular friend in my mind. Lovely gal for certain, but I didn’t find the spark I was seeking. Truth be told, I’d known from the outset that my heart wasn’t in it as it should be – I had always been single and was about to embark upon a 3-year span at university; so it seemed like a good time to see what the couple lark was all about.
After that experience, I promised myself I would only ever enter a relationship which I truly wanted – something of a downer to know that to this day, I have yet to be partnered with someone I’ve felt a proper connection with. The funny thing is (much like post break-up promises) that I now feel so lonely that I would (once again!) happily enter into a more one-sided venture, simply for the experience, even if it leads to heartbreak; the refrain of couples to us singletons is “you’re lucky, you don’t suffer the pain” etc. Long-term I know I’d rather look back on life, seeing the pain I felt, rather than all the perhaps, maybes and could-haves.
I’ve fancied plenty of women (though I do seem to be fussier than many lads), and I do always seem to punch above my weight. Couple this with my introverted nature, not to mention how everyone always seems taken already, and you have a complete recipe for romantic disaster. It’s a common cliché to claim how mind-bending the opposite sex is (and some say it’s even sexist!) but I mean it in the truest sense. My various mini-experiences form no pattern at all.
One of the darkest moments of my journey was whilst at uni. Without going into too much detail, it was possibly the one moment in my life that I’ve been granted clarity in these matters. This one day, a fresher walks into a society meeting – small (just for me!), voluptuous and slender woman slides in; brown hair, piercing eyes, complementing specs, a smile to die for and a tiny cross worn on her top. Oh and a passion for English/drama. Be still my beating heart. Turns out she’s Catholic too. I can tell you now, from my experiences in Northern England, not only are there relatively few women who suit me in interests, but spiritually is pretty much an impossibility. To reiterate, this was a massive deal. Yes, it was a crush, but at a ridiculous level – if you’ve ever hurt, thinking how radiant someone is without ever even having talked to them properly, then you’ll know what I mean.
As life is, however, my dream was shattered as I later found out that she was in fact in a long-term relationship of 3 years with another Catholic lad. My natural testosterone kicked in and I realised I was comparing the two of us (he was short, had an arguably much more modern/much more dire fashion sense, was slightly more musically inclined than me etc.) The true coup de grace was to be found in his features – I thought he was ugly, at least ugly for the girl he’d managed to settle with. Later on, I even discovered that he was studying exactly the same course as me, merely a year below. Although the true icing on the cake was that everyone thought he was quiet – the very same flaw I was/am continually told lets me down in the world of romance. And yet here was a man, more introverted than me, who’d inexplicably managed to court the most beautiful woman I’d ever laid eyes upon.
Exhausting isn’t it?
The final part of the uni story involved a girl I met at a Christmas Party. Drinks flowed, people laughed. Suddenly, a drunken whisper reaches my ears that this girl at the other end of the table “fancies” me. Bolstered by booze, I initiated a digit-swap and we did go on a date. All went well (I think) in conversation etc. but the end of the date was something of a failure. In my head, I was bricking it – I imagined a romantic walk home, and then either a hug/kiss goodnight. Instead, it ended up being a taxi ride which involved her getting out and me driving off. After this commitments got in the way and then, BANG. I was friendzoned. Nope – she didn’t get a boyfriend. There appeared to be no reason, but there you go.
As always, I appreciate anyone taking the time to read any of this. If you ever have any thoughts, comment or drop me a line at firstname.lastname@example.org.